I don't effing have it!

I am so mad. Yesterday I talked to the caseworker and shared my discovery with her, the relieving option that had never presented itself to me before. She ooed, aad, and hmmd at my story with diplomacy that would make bin Laden turn himself in. I don't blame her; she's been dealing with crazies all day. It wouldn't be the first time she's heard someones miraculous testimony. I agree that it would be hard to suddenly get over something-- that is, unless you never had it in the first place. Still, I'm fucking transferring. I have real health insurance now.
God, I'm scared to death. You put me here with people who want to love me and be my friend and all I want to do is question it and focus on terrible past experiences. Every time I think I screwed up all those memories keep flooding in and all I can think is here I go again. I wrote a letter to one of those people and got it out of my system. Only problem is when I share something like a secret or tell about a weakness I fully expect it to be met with the fuzzy feeling and then it's used against me later. I want to be able to return the kindness shown to me without fear. At least I have a broad field to work with. Thanks friends.