Here I am; I'm surrounded in the center of what I began to step into at the beginning of the year. Four months in and I have hopeful plans, an awake (though struggling and battling) spirit, a best friend, a heart undergoing healing, and Jesus permeating every part of my life. I love again.

I'm not gonna lie, though: I'm disappointed in myself. All of these things above have been brutally assaulted in some way and at one time or another by the enemy and by the doubt and brokenness within me. I have not believed God for the plans, I have been negligent of my starving spirit, I have been so selfish towards the new best friend I claim to love, I have SO MANY TIMES cut off that flow of air to my healing heart, and have ignored Jesus over and over.

I saw a picture in my mind of that boulder that almost squishes Indiana Jones...except the boulder was my past failures and I am no hero(ine). It's so big. It's so heavy. It can kill. The enemy had a hold on parts of our past so why would it not make sense for him to ravage the peace and hope we would have with the mind of Christ by throwing the memories in our faces? And God, of course, has an answer for everything. The devil's scheme to bring us down with our guilt-ridden memories splits the gospel-tract-illustration-ravine between us and God even wider. Oh, how desperate we get. Oh, how quickly He comes to our help. Oh how loudly the devil curses.

My favorite name for Jesus is Emmanuel. They always read the passage in Isaiah at Christmas where it's mentioned. I can't explain why...it gets me. Maybe I'll find out one day.

I need to address these things from up there.

God, you have huge plans for me that I wouldn't believe if you told them to me. I want to trust that you're good and that I'm not doomed to fail. I need to know this desperately, because the core of who I am driving me to do the things I do expects nothing but failure.

I need the GRACE to feed my spirit man. I feel terminally fleshy and I can't do anything about it. Please tell my heart that it's not about following a model or trying to look good to other Christians...please tell it it's life or death because it will eventually need to contend for the lives of other people that no one will fight for.

Jesus...I've been over this with You, and I've been over this with her. But no amount of analyzing at 11 o'clock at night is going to make me a good friend. I've gone from You giving me Tina's friendship on a silver platter and being overwhelmed with the grace to love her fully in spite of past pain and for the healing of it....to thinking I got here myself and keeping her up at night trying to figure out why trying to continue to do it myself isn't working. I want to rely on You, the perfect friend anyone could have. I want to appreciate the things she does for me and refresh her where she's refreshed me. Help her open up...I want to get in those walls and love what's in there. I love her much more than I've let myself with friends in the past...please don't let it just bounce off a strong, independent stone wall. Let her stop doing the Superwoman thing and receive from the friend she feels like she needs to be the one looking out for. She needs gentleness...if not from others then from You!

My apathy is standing in the way of my healing. Thank God He's more clever than I am.