dear rooms,

I am so grateful for the opportunity to breathe again. Before, I felt smothered by being in close quarters where I lived before this, and had so few friends, and few opportunities. This new apartment, along with a gracious, encouraging roommate such as you has been the spacious place from Psalm 18 that I have prayed for. Unfortunately, I feel like the bird that has been let out of its cage, but wants to fly back in because that's all its ever known. Maybe I think all my inner issues should resolve when things, circumstances, are hopeful. Maybe the inner issues are coming up because the little crises (like my car, for example) are squeezing me and that's what's coming out.

What is coming out? Insecurity. Defensiveness. Timidity. Selfishness. They come up all the time, with more maturity and resolve applied to them each time around, by His grace. In other words, if I can't stop what's going on I at least recognize what it is. I deal with not loving myself, not having faith in myself. It's like, because I think it of myself, others must think it of me. I automatically assume I will screw up friendships so maybe I try to sabotage them before they blow themselves up. I smack my forehead over and over, "stupid, stupid, stupid" to put it in a nutshell. I don't actually think I'm "stupid, stupid, stupid"...in fact it's that knowledge that I "should know better" that keeps me so hard on myself. Shame is a crippling and debilitating force that keeps all of this going. I don't have to explain all of this to you; you can see it plainly. And I give you a play-by-play. It's strange to me to vocalize those thoughts, but it's honesty. Grabbing the bull by the horns. Though I'd rather grab an actual bull's horns than to talk about that stuff and actually change.

I don't think I talk to you so much into the night because I can't stop, or that I enjoy talking to you that much. Haha don't get me wrong, you are so much fun to be around and hang out with though. Like Jenna has also said you have the capacity to write books with the wisdom in your head. You have chosen to stay up with me and listen, because that's just how you are with people. I felt valued, though I do not want to take advantage of that quality in you. I think my deal is a mentality that screams "get it while you can!". I think I expect people to be gone out of my life the next day, so I stuff my face with relationship and end up eventually running it into the ground. You are so right about the boundary stuff. I want it, because I want the "stairwell" in our apartment. I want the enemy to tremble here, and I want passion to be birthed here. I want people to feel loved here, and I want lives to be called out for in prayer. I waste my time chasing after the wind and this "what do you think of me" "what do you think of me" "are you mad at me" business has been eating my lunch. It has to, and is going to, stop. 

Thanks for reading. I'm thankful for your friendship and I'm going to teach you how to play guitar and rub shoulders properly.

So anyways,
Welmel