Things have changed. Some for good, some for the not so good, at least for the moment. But that’s according to a standard set out by social norms and past experiences. I’ve been thinking lately, “What is normal?” I went on my balcony to read a book the other day, and my usual view of the town square was colored with a handful of who I believe were teenagers, holding up a “FREE HUGS” sign. A little later, at dusk, I saw a church bus swing by and pick them up. My perception of them then went from weirded out but admiring because of the artistic peculiarity, to familiar and uninterested because of how many times I have done things similar to that with my own youth group. I was also kind of afraid for them, because Lord knows who could have come by with ill intent. Nevertheless, that false perception sparked some deep thought in me. Am I looking at life the right way? If there was a shift in my paradigm, would I be so unhappy as often as I am? I just got back from the doctor with diagnoses that I accurately predicted. Bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. Two ‘BPD’s. One being a chemical imbalance, the other being holes in my personality; an arrested development of sorts. I laughed along with my doctor as he referred to me as swiss cheese. You might expect me to counter my laughing in the last statement with some sort of reality check, but from my perspective that is the best response when neither possible responses (positive or negative) will have a significant effect on my recovery. So just pick one that does the most good. If you take life too seriously, you will die—inside, at least. It will be hell and my skin might fall off. Medication might make me worse. I have to make trips across Dallas to get a decent doctor, and have to deal with my mom, who has a problem believing that there’s something wrong with her daughter.
There has been some good come out of this. I don’t hate myself for having the wrong feelings or doing things that seem to get me in trouble anymore. Although I am responsible for my actions, I’m not “just bad”. Every action starts with a thought or feeling. Every thought and feeling is learned in one way or another. I can take medication for the chemical aspect of things, but I have to re-learn some responses. It’s like a clean slate. Yes, I’m still paying the consequences for past things, but when it’s over, it’s over. Plus, I will be starting a new job at Starbucks soon (the interview went exceptionally well, we’ll see) and I will no longer have a reason to believe I will lose that job. Plus I ate some Greek food today and, well…I just really like that.