I’m really bad at this. Life, I mean. But where do I place blame? On myself, where I assume full responsibility for my mistakes and therefore should be punished? Or on the chemicals in my brain that are faithful to be ass-backwards on a regular basis.
Both.
Both are in me, of me. I think about this in the hot baths I take on a daily basis, sometimes more than once, and place my satisfaction in reducing the pain to the confines of a well-put-together blog entry. So I’m good enough at rhetoric and relevance to maintain an adequately readable work. So what? The little book symbol at the bottom of Word, next to my word count, has a little green check mark on it, meaning the software, which was programmed with the entire English vocabulary and grammar outfit, approves of me. Wanting to piss it off and get it to show me its angry side—that is, the red ‘X’ of rejection, I deliberately misspell a word in what I wish could be my only rebellious act. I quickly erase the word, because I can’t stand the flaw. That’s my little world I have control of; one satiated with effortless correction and natural proficiency.
And I’ll defend it, too. In high school I participated in UIL events for spelling & vocabulary. The two years before my senior year, I made 4th and 5th place without studying, respectively. My final year, a few walking stereotypes—glasses, chubby, lack of style, and superior intellect—competed. They began quizzing me the day-of on the vocabulary sheets they’d been studying, and showed their elation that I didn’t know most of the words they were asking me about. When the results came out, I had an inner smugness despite placing 4th again, one that comes about when you’ve successfully proven yourself in the face of derision, especially through doing better by far in contest.
Through things like that I’ve abandoned understanding entirely, cultivating in its stead a strong tie between achievements and self-worth. On that scale, I have a lot in common with the American economy. Cut the restraints and start the second Great Depression already.