what she used to be.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

I really like Christ for the Nations Church. Although it's taken me a little while to figure out that CFNI is not a church with a school, but a school that trains people for ministry and sends them to intern and work at local churches.
But on the original thought, I like the church they've set up on their campus. It was very small from what I could see (but then again, it's the summer and many people are gone), but there's something really exciting about being in a smaller (ergo growing) group with dynamite passion. I have only spent minimal time there, but how else would their music be known around the country, and possibly around the world, like Hillsong?

I do not have a niche. I have a case of nicheless panic: I have no room of my own, no familiar church home yet, and no place (be it business or residence of a friend) to hang out. This is supposed to be refinement and testing, I know. But there is a growing fear of plenty to be refined of, but nothing to be refined to, and failing this 'test' I'm supposed to be taking. Again. I want to believe I have been failing in the past because those who were supposed to believe in me didn't, and those who were supposed to speak hope remained silent, but that would remove me from personal responsibility, even if that were even partially true of those. Yet I continued to believe it, and didn't seek approval from the Lord, didn't try, and ultimately failed another agonizing time. Eventually my perception of my reputation became this ceiling I couldn't break past (supposedly) in the eyes of "those". So I threw a wrench in the gears, intended eventually to be a loud, raging, double-handed flip-off and irreverent **** you to the (at least partially imagined) system I couldn't work myself through, and to "those" I percieved were running it. The wrench didn't stop anything. There's wasn't anything to stop. In my effort, however, I managed to at least halt for awhile, and hopefully stop forever, a vicious cycle meant to destroy my life and destiny in God. Aaaah.

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